F U or why I cba to be friends with men any more

(CN: mentions of bestiality, assault and sexual violence but none of them are discussed in depth)

Earlier this week myself and a male friend decided to part ways. That makes it sound like it was mature and civil but trust me, it wasn't. He's not the first male friend I've dropped and he probably won't be the last (until I finally have zero that is).

The incident left me both angry and sad. I'll admit I cried quite a bit. It's hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 6 years but sometimes you have to. Between the crying came furious anger as I recounted numerous occasions on which this man, in particular, had been a dick to me personally or a dick more generally.

I don't want to make this post my personal diatribe against one man because my point is that it is all men. Or just about. But there was one particular incident that stuck out to me as pretty representative of so much of our "friendship".

His texts were being weird and not really working so I downloaded WhatsApp so we could chat. He then sent me two videos: one of a dog fucking a woman; another of a man having sex with a horse. Neither of which I found funny. Both of which he knew I wouldn't find funny.

The more I thought about it the more I felt upset as to why he sent them to me. So I messaged him and I asked "why? why did you send me those videos knowing I wouldn't find them funny? Did you want me to feel uncomfortable?" He told me I was being stupid, overreacting, wrong end of the stick kind of thing.

And that was always how it went. Whenever I had an issue with something he said or did, I was the one at fault. Whenever women or femme people tell people about incidents of sexism, time and again we are told we misunderstood, we don't know that they were doing it because of our gender (actual or perceived), etc etc etc. And that was just what my friend was doing to me.

Other male friends I have dropped recently? Two of them were dropped because I found out they'd sexually assaulted someone. Another I've dropped for being far too willing to defend those two *over* and *above* defending their victim (loathe as I am to use that word to describe the person in question who is amazing and wonderful and beautiful and one of the kindest people I know). Another I dropped because time and time again when I tried to discuss sexism he would do a "what about the menz". And again and again and again it happens.

My natural distrust and fear of men is a matter of self-preservation. You will have to try harder for me to trust you. You will have to do very little for me to drop you. Myself and my friends have spent our lives being objectified, harassed, abused and mistreated by men. Of course I'm wary of you. That's just common fucking sense.

Even my few remaining close male friends often act in ways that make me unhappy or uncomfortable. For example I tweeted about three recent OkCupid messages I'd received: a guy telling me he wanted to strip my skin off with a knife, a guy who didn't believe in racism (yeah idk either) and a guy asking me to shit in his mouth. My female and non binary pals threw support, love and hugs my way. My male friend made a joke about it.

So, my new rule with men: one strike and you're out. One shitty behaviour and you're gone. Because I'm done with it. Why waste my time on all the useless, awful men in the world when I could keep filling my life with wonderful queer babes who fucking GET IT.

No, your domestic violence joke isn't funny

MASSIVE content note for discussions of domestic violence in this post.

An ex boyfriend of mine attacked me when we were dating. He pinned me down hard enough to leave my with bruises for a week, he strangled me at one point, he smashed my phone then ran it under a tap so I couldn't call for help, he refused to let me get dressed, he smashed things, he told me to "scream as loud as you want no one can hear you". Eventually he pulled a knife on me.

It was undoubtedly the most terrifying experience of my entire life and I hope nothing ever tops it. To this day I feel lucky to be alive.

He was emotionally and mentally abusive to me for months prior to him attacking me. He was controlling and aggressive and manipulative. That relationship changed me completely. It took a very long time for what happened to really sink in and to really affect me. Every single day I have to live with that, deal with that and try to begin to trust people, particularly men, again. Having someone who supposedly loves you attack you? I can't even explain the ways that fucks with you.

What's more, after I reported it to the police he got let go with just a caution. Leaving me at, if anything, higher risk and him free to do it again and again and again if he chooses.

My experience isn't uncommon. In the UK between 1 - 2 women a WEEK are killed by partners or ex partners. Roughly 1 in 4 women will experienced domestic violence in their lifetime. These experiences are terrifyingly commonplace.

Despite this, despite how obviously fucked up and common this is, people still make domestic violence jokes. Still. And I STILL have to explain to people how fucked up that is.

My experience is not a joke. My experience was life-changing, life threatening and something that will scar me for as long as I live. Domestic violence isn't a joke. Victims never ask for it or deserve it. This is something that kills. Retelling jokes about how so and so deserved it feeds into a culture where this kind of shit doesn't get taken seriously or victims get blamed for bringing it on themselves.

Sometimes I take people up on DV jokes. A lot of the time I'm just not up to it emotionally. I shouldn't have to recount my personal experience for you to understand that it isn't funny. But here I am, hoping some of you might get it a bit more if I do.

So next time you wanna crack a joke about it: just don't.